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英式幽默英語小笑話
1、The thief and the judge
It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.
"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
法官與小偷
那天是圣誕節(jié)，法官在審訊犯人時(shí)也有點(diǎn)惻隱之心。“你為什么而被起訴?”他問。
“采購(gòu)圣誕節(jié)物品過早。”被告答。
“這不算犯法，”法官回答，“你購(gòu)物多早?”
在商店開門之前，“犯人應(yīng)道。
2、Jesus's Telly
A child on Christmas time asked for some paper and crayons in order to draw a crib. Eventually the artistic masterpiece was displayed for parental approval. The manager, the shepherds, Jesus and Holy Family wore duly admired.
"But what's that in the corner?" asked Mother.
"Oh, that's their telly," replied the tot.
耶穌的電視機(jī)
圣誕節(jié)時(shí)孩子要了紙和蠟筆，想畫一張耶穌誕生像。最后這件藝術(shù)品被陳列出來供父母鑒賞。
他們對(duì)耶穌誕生后睡的馬槽，牧羊人，耶穌及其家庭都逐一表示贊賞。
“可是那個(gè)角落里是什么?”媽媽問。
“噢，那是他們的電視機(jī)，”孩子回答說。
3、What does Santa Claus like to do in his garden?
Answer: he likes to hoe, hoe, hoe
圣誕老人喜歡在花園里做什么?
答案：鋤地。(英文里Hoe 和ho同音。hoe是鋤草之意，ho則是圣誕老人的笑聲。)
4、On Christmas Eve Santa Claus met an honest politician and a kind lawyer while riding up in an elevator of a very exclusive hotel. Just before the doors opened the three of them noticed a 1000NT bill lying on the floor. Which one of them do you think picked it up?
Answer: Santa of course! Why? Because everybody knows that the other two don’t exist!
圣誕節(jié)前夕，圣誕老人和一清廉的政治人物，以及一心地善良的律師在一家高級(jí)飯店一同等電梯，門還未開前，三人同時(shí)看到地上有一張新臺(tái)幣1000元的鈔票，猜猜誰會(huì)將它撿起?
答案：當(dāng)然是圣誕老人啦!為什么?因?yàn)榇蠹叶贾懒硗鈨烧卟⒉淮嬖凇?/p>
5、Did You Know Him? At a dinner party in the home of friends, our host mentioned his highschool alma mater. One of the guests asked him if he had been a student there at the same time as a particular vice principal. "I sure was!" answered the host. "He's the biggest jerk I've ever met. Did you know him too?" "Sort of," replied the guest. "My mother married him last Saturday."
你認(rèn)識(shí)他嗎? 在朋友家的一次宴會(huì)上，主人提起一位高中時(shí)的校友。 一位客人問他讀書期間，某位副校長(zhǎng)是否也在職。 “當(dāng)然了，”主人答道。“他是我見過的最大的混蛋。你也認(rèn)識(shí)他嗎?” “有點(diǎn)認(rèn)識(shí)，”客人回答。“我媽媽上周六嫁給了他。
6、中間戰(zhàn)術(shù)Midway Tactics
Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall.
Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying,
"Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming,
"Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign
that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中間戰(zhàn)術(shù)
三個(gè)互相爭(zhēng)生意的商店老板在一條商業(yè)街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價(jià)!”“特便宜!”
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價(jià)!”“大折扣!”
中間的商人隨后準(zhǔn)備了一個(gè)大招牌，上面只簡(jiǎn)單地寫著：“入口處”
7、豬或女巫Pig or Witch
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road.
A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner,
he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
一個(gè)男人在一條陡峭狹窄的山路上駕車，一個(gè)女人相向駕車而來。
他們相遇時(shí)，那個(gè)女的從窗中伸出頭來叫到：“豬!!”
那個(gè)男的立即從窗中伸出頭來回敬道：“女巫!!”
他們繼續(xù)前行。這個(gè)男的在下一個(gè)路口轉(zhuǎn)彎時(shí)，撞上了路中間的一頭豬。
要是這個(gè)男的能聽懂那個(gè)女人的意思就好了。
8、At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend.
"Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said,
"No-engrave it 'To my one and only love'. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."
在一家珠寶店里，一位年輕人買了一個(gè)貴重的小金盒作為送給女友的禮物。
“要我把她的名字刻在上面嗎?”珠寶商問道。
那名顧客想了一會(huì)兒，然后說道：
“不--在上面刻‘給我唯一的愛’。這樣，如果我們鬧崩了，我還可以再用到它。”
9、歌德的容忍
Goethe's Tolerance
Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar.
As luck would have it, he met with a critic who was hostile to him.
Both of them stopped, staring at each other.
Then the critic said, "I'll never make way for a fool."
"But I will," with that Goethe retreated aside.
歌德的容忍
一次，歌德正在魏瑪一個(gè)公園的一條狹窄小道上散步。
碰巧他遇見一個(gè)對(duì)他懷有敵意的評(píng)論家。
兩人都停了下來，彼此相互對(duì)視。接著評(píng)論家說道：“我從來不給傻瓜讓路。”
“可我給。”說完歌德退到了一邊。
10、The Mean Man's Party
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party.
Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said,
"Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow.
When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?"
一個(gè)聲名狼藉的小氣鬼終于決定要請(qǐng)一次客了。
他在向一個(gè)朋友解釋怎么找到他家時(shí)說：“你上到五樓，用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。
門開了后，再用你的腳把門推開。”
“為什么我要用我的肘和腳呢?”
“天哪!” 吝嗇鬼回答，“你總不會(huì)空著手來吧?”
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